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spins and needles
08 September 2009 @ 05:57 pm
 Some days the whole weight of waking seems to be on my shoulders. It's like my skeleton suddenly weakened, and I was made aware of the intense weight of the air that our bodies are built to hold up every day. I'm never sure how much of it is a Real Feeling and how much is me covering for my own laziness. Everything, it seems, has to have a deeper meaning with me. Procrastination can't just be procrastination, it has to be a symptom of something. I gotta say, some days I wish I could go back to before my diagnosis. That might not change much though -- I always knew there was something wrong with me.

I don't care about law school. I don't care about work. I don't care about being pretty or staying thin, or keeping my room tidy, or eating much. I don't care about the people around me, with a few exceptions. I'm too aware of my own needs, and I don't like that, so the best plan is to not need anything -- to decide not to need anything.
You'd be amazed what you can do without.
Not that I've ever gone without anything in my life. Even self-denial becomes a kind of indulgence, for me.

Brood brood brood. Whine whine, bitch bitch, moan moan. Angst! Incoherence! I think I'm done now.
spins and needles
06 February 2009 @ 12:30 am
where basic, obvious things seem incredibly challenging? And where you can't do work, but you can't manage to do anything fun, either?

I'm having one of those days.

/blue funk 
spins and needles
05 May 2008 @ 12:39 pm
a St. Trinian's girl!
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28 April 2008 @ 11:16 am
I've picked out the next round of names for my kids. When I have them, one of these days.
They are:

Susanna Sofia [lastname] --> nickname Su
Isolde Katharine [lastname] --> pronounced i-ZOL-de, nickname Izzy
Arachne Rose [lastname] --> I just love the name Arachne

Alexander Malcolm [lastname] --> nickname Zander
spins and needles
07 December 2007 @ 01:02 am
And beginning it tonight by drinking my herbal tea. ^_^ I'm so excited. I need to find lemons for the juice, and if I could find Grade B instead of Grade A maple syrup that would be good... but I'm looking forward to this with optimism. Ten days of hunger and slight unpleasantness and then this heavy, gross feeling will lift and I'll be able to start again from scratch :)
mood: optimisticoptimistic
spins and needles
29 November 2007 @ 04:31 am
Thinkin' about a couple of people today. Mostly Paul and Amy.

I miss Amy. I miss her physically -- she's beautiful, and I loved holding her -- and I miss the us-against-the-world together-forever intensity of our relationship, which was built on the idea of irrational and unassailable emotional boundaries that were constantly threatened by outside forces. I miss Amy because I worry about her, but I also miss her because we were a very cool couple, and us as a couple and the way people saw us did a lot for me. Physically we looked great together, and we were adorable, and everyone loves cute lesbians, especially cute friendly lesbians. We made way more friends as a couple than I would've apart, and I think maybe than Amy would've. As a social unit we made a lot of sense. I don't miss the sex, not really at all, but being able to see her and admire her and touch her with the authority of part-ownership. I don't have that part-ownership with Paul. Partly because our relationship doesn't have that (unhealthy?) codependent unsplittable nuclear dynamic, and partly because (while I think Paul is gorgeous, and sexy, and I'm more than happy to pull his clothes off on a regular basis) Amy turns heads wherever she goes, and that sort of beauty demands a kind of pride in it.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I can't count the number of times I've wanted to call Amy and just ask how she's doing and what's going on, and I've stopped myself. It's not good for either of us, especially for her but also for me. I miss Amy, but I also miss what being with Amy did for me, and that's a horrible reason to do something foolish. I care about Paul very much, and what's more, Paul and I match up /as people/ -- not as archetypes in some externally-measured Perfect Coupledom. (In some ways Paul and I /don't/ match up well in that world -- we don't compensate for one another as Amy and I did -- but between the two of us the dynamic is millions of times better.) Frankly, in a relationship with Paul I have to deal with Paul a lot more than the-world-in-relation-to-me-and-Paul. So, the former is kind of more important.

It may sound like I'm trying to convince myself that my decision was the right one. I am. That's weird to say, isn't it? -- because I know my decison was the right one because I'm happier! And I could go back a million times and not do it any other way. The reason I say "the right one" is that I believe there's always some way to achieve peace of mind. I don't have that right now, and I'm searching my head to try and figure out what I can do, or what I should've done, to get that. And before you (oh invisible reader you) ask whether I would've had that if I'd stayed with Amy, no. I wouldn't have -- because almost from day one, I didn't have it.

stuff with Paul gives me doubts too. I'm a bit leery of committing myself emotionally because I"m not sure exactly how invested in me Paul is -- I know he's pretty darn invested, don't get me wrong, but degree matters to me. Affection is a sliding scale but there is a steepening point known as "falling in love" and while Paul may like me an awful lot I'm not sure if he's there yet, and there's nothing he can really do to prove that to me right this very moment. I'll have to wait, and see if I'm being silly, which I may be; but caution is warranted, yes. The good thing, though, is that that's really the only thing that niggles at me -- that and the difference in our social abilities (he's so much better and more comfortable with people than I am), more of a puzzler than people might think. Anyway. We'll see. But I'm optimistic, I'm optimistic... and better than all of that, with Paul I am actually happy. So that's all right.
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18 November 2007 @ 03:04 pm
Yesterday I was feeling really down, for no real reason -- I just felt horrible about myself, doubting my own abilities -- but the universe always gives you medicine, if you're willing to see it :)

Ludo told me yesterday that I was "like [her] personal cheerleader", which is a really awesome thing to hear, and made me feel very happy inside. Then I went and hung out with Janet for three and a half hours -- we did whatever, as always, and I told her about how I was feeling. She cheered me up a lot yesterday, and then this morning I got an email from her about "self-handicapping", which was basically saying 'don't be silly -- give yourself a chance -- if you feel bad or uncomfortable, don't let it fester, fix it.' Which as obvious as it is was very important to hear. I adore Janet, she always looks out for me like that... and of course, I talked to Paul for an hour and a half yesterday, and we talked about ze feelings. It was productive. And talking to him always, always makes me happier.
spins and needles
08 November 2007 @ 08:20 pm
Some random things flying through my head.

I get a lot out of my perfume collection. I really enjoy selecting a scent each morning and going outside and taking sniffs of my wrists every so often because I smell lovely. It makes me feel like a lady, and it gives me something to smile about, no matter how stupid my day has been. I've sunk far too much time and money into my collection. It's a very, very expensive interest, and I'm glad that at last, my collection is nearing completion -- I have only a few more slots in my box to fill, and then I'm bowing out. But I think about it -- how extravagant it is, how stupid it must seem to other people and how I must seem like I'm totally wasting my time and my brainspace on this useless thing -- and I'm still not sorry. I get a lot of simple, everyday pleasure out of my perfume collection, so I'm pretty sure it was mostly worthwhile.

I also have a taste for rarity, and a competitive nature. Of all the things I could collect, BPAL is one of the less expensive -- thank God I never nurtured that interest in antique Limoges porcelain O.O

Paul said something lovely to me the other day. We're very physical, as a couple, and that's awesome in a lot of ways -- awesome doesn't even begin to describe it! at last, someone who can keep up with me! -- but it's also concerned me a bit, because I like Paul for reasons other than the makeouts (many, many other reasons). And we were talking around this a little bit on the phone yesterday, and I said that this was why I delayed having sex, despite opportunity -- what about all those other awesome things we used to do, before we started doing what everyone else was doing? -- and he agreed. He said, "I want us to be about more than just the physical."
That made me so, so very happy. Because I like Paul quite a bit.
soundtrack: Ooh La La -- [Goldfrapp]
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06 November 2007 @ 01:25 pm
It is not normal to be so plagued by a need to purchase useless things that I can't concentrate on work.

I'm not sure what this means, but I need to get it undercontrol.
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03 November 2007 @ 08:16 am
Amy called at 1:30 this morning. Because she 'missed me a lot'.
I was not equipped to deal with that kind of conversation. But she kept asking me Why did I break up with her, because she still didn't understand. I don't have an intelligible reason. I've given the best answer I can over and over again, which was that I felt smothered and pressured to commit to something that I wasn't all there for. I didn't tell her that we're vastly, vastly different and that I couldn't share things that were important to me with her. I didn't tell her that my eye had started wandering a little too much for my taste, which meant that the rest of me was slowly checking out. I did tell her that I think we need to talk much less often if we're ever going to have a real friendship at all. I also told her that she cannot end every conversation with "I love you" anymore, I just can't take it, it hurts.

It's been three months. It's been almost half the time we spent together.
It just doesn't feel that way...
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23 October 2007 @ 10:50 pm
There's a bunch of reasons for that, some of which are beter than others. Let's go from least to most valid:

  • I'm on birth control again, which -- I only find out today -- basically negates the effects of lamictal. Since I'm still on Zoloft this shouldn't actually be a problem, but the body may have decided to do its own thing without consulting my needs. It does that sometimes.
  • I feel alienated from my surroundings. Academics do matter to me, but I'm constantly made aware of how ignorant I am, and occasionally how inferior. I miss ballroom, a lot, incredibly, but I'm putting off and putting off joining the team again, and I haven't figured out why yet. I'm spending too much money, which I tend to do when I'm unhappy. I'm also isolating to a certain extent, partly because of work, and partly for reasons in my mind that I can't make out. Know Thyself is harder than it sounds...
  • Dealing with Peter generally makes me feel not-good. I feel guilty about relationship because I've thought for a while that I made Peter rather unhappy. The bell went off in my head today that actually, I was pretty young and inexperienced. I was twelve when I fell hard for Peter! And as mature as I felt for someone my age, the fact is that mature for thirteen is still thirteen. I wasn't even a particularly well-socialised thirteen year old, I had a plethora of Issues. He was my first boyfriend, and I really didn't know how to act, or what was expected of me. A little later on it became obvious that I had a sex drive that was inappropriate for someone my age -- both because it was weirdly high, and because I didn't know how to deal with it. I was astonishingly thoughtless and selfish; I was heavily influenced by my Mother and Sophia, and really was too weak to make my own decisions; when we broke up, I was the insane ex-girlfriend. I felt nervous about the commitments I was making even as I was making them, which was stupid and unfair. Plus for all that I wanted to get physical constantly, I was awful in bed (excusable due to inexperience, but still). Peter, for all his Issues, was wonderful to me, and I was.. not, really. Some of that can't be excused; but more can than I used to think.
  • Peter as a person bothers me because he represents what bothers me about relationships: how you can care about someone so much, they can mean so much to you, and in a matter of very little time they can become nothing to you at all but a bad memory. I find that terrifying, largely because I don't let people go that way, ever really. I can't think of a time when it's happened. Peter grew up and got on with his life. Sometimes I feel, in comparison, very young. Then it twigs that I am now *just* the age that Peter was when we broke up, and compared to That Peter, I don't feel quite so bad. To put it another way, one of my little cousins just turned thirteen. I looked at her, she's such a tiny thing and it hit me, Oh my God, at her age I'd already fallen for someone, I was already dating someone whom I'd keep seeing for three years. I thought I was so ready for this, but this is how I looked to the rest of the world. That made me reconsider exactly how not-ready for things I probably was. I was a bit of an idiot.
I can't say that writing this out has made me feel /good/ but it has made me feel better. Also, Peter grew up and got past all the issues around when we dated. It's been almost three years; about time I did the same.
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11 October 2007 @ 09:27 pm
Had a bad day. Called Himself in a fit of self-indulgence. 1h 15m later: happy as can be, and I didn't even feel the time fly by.
mood: ^_^
soundtrack: The Con -- [Tegan and Sara]
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30 September 2007 @ 07:23 pm
Labyrinths (Jose Luis Borges)
Persuasion (Jane Austen)
The 25th Hour (David Denioff)
The Writing Life (Anne something-whose-name-I-can't-recall)
Making Money (Terry Pratchett)
A History of Western Philosophy (Bertrand Russel) >> this one has been a project for a *while*...

Not counting my school books, and these are all what I've started since the beginning of the school year. Come to think of it, I should've gotten through considerably more than I have done...
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30 September 2007 @ 06:18 pm
h'mm, today I went for dim sum... which is not really vegetarian-friendly. I mean, there's some stuff that works, and it's very tasty. but on the whole, it was a good thing I ate a bagel before I left. Prescient of me...

I met Schlomo, and then saw Deniz for the first time in a long while, and we went out for coffee because I was sad and wanted someone to talk to about it. Deniz is a dear. We commiserated about missing our significant others, and I talked to him about not feeling like I have close friends anymore, and Deniz basically told me that it's all going to be okay. Really. And I believe him, because Deniz is awesome. He also told me Hannah asks after me, which makes me so happy because I miss her so, so much... I wish very much that she was here, or that she would just come back soon.

French awaits... but for now I'm going to be irresponsible and just read my book until 7 or so. I need to get ahead on my French homework though, so I can be free over the weekend...
soundtrack: Tracking Treasure Down -- [Gabriel and Dresden]
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29 September 2007 @ 06:33 pm
Don't get me wrong, I've been a pretty good kid lately -- about socialising, I mean. I've been good for me, which is an important qualifier, and mostly I've been seeing HRSFA. But there are a lot of people I want to see and spend more time with, and whom I should spend more time with because they are wonderful and I've missed them. Yet it's hard to relinquish my tendency to do my own thing, wander where I want and be driven by the whims of the moment. It's not that I want to be alone all the time -- that's a negative feeling that I associate with my depressed self. Part of it is that I like flexibility, and I like to wander around and things like that.

Part of it is also that socialising is something I have to put effort into. Even if I'm having fun hanging out with other people and all of that, I'll often  make my excuses and leave early because -- there's only so much of people I can take, sometimes. This is a feeling that seems mostly to surface here, at Uni.

I have to go to the library more often and just play around. Today I was looking up a book on 18th C. dissection and poverty, and two shelves above it was a book on fashion and fetishism. ^_^ so totally my bag. it's sitting here on my desk beckoning me away from my work....
soundtrack: Labyrinth -- [the Cure]
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28 September 2007 @ 04:23 pm
I forgot how profound an effect Zoloft has on me when I haven't taken it for a while. Combine that with the three-shot latte I grabbed this morning (compensating for the fact that I went to bed at 4:30AM), and by 11:30 I was totally wired. I get very talkative and rather outgoing in the early days of medication. It calms down after a little bit, but for those first few days I must be so annoying to be around.
Oh well. It's better than angsty stilted unmedicated me.

Today I accidentally had lunch with my Super Awesome History TF. She's amazing, and really interesting to talk to, and it was really a lot of good fun. Then I had second-lunch and bubble tea with Andrew Lin, and we hung out for about 2 1/2 h. I think Andrew's a bit unnerved by me, but he's a really nice and adorable fellow and often secretly feels underappreciated, so even if it's the unnerving person who keeps making him to come to HRSFA events, at least he'll come and see people and not be sad. Tonight I go to Beer and Dumplings (don't ask, I don't know) as sponsored by my House, and then Gaming where a whole bunch of people I don't get to see often will be. Quirk has promised that there will be Paper Game and/or French Toast, the latter of which makes me very happy.
soundtrack: All the Things She Said -- [t.a.T.U.]
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Today Meister and I had a talk. He was having Issues, and I'm flattered and glad that he chose to come talk to me about them. We sat in Tealuxe for a while, then sat by the Charles. It was good to talk to him and get updated on his life.

Kyle isn't the only one who lets me have free tea at Tealuxe now. Alex now also gives me free tea, and Paul (their new manager, who has very tall hair). I think it helps that I was wearing a David Bowie shirt today, which was apparently much-admired.
They're so good to me there. I've been coming there prettymuch since the day I arrived on campus, at least once a week and usually more. They're always unbelievably sweet, and the people who work there are almost universally awesome. Eventually I'm going to cost them so much money that they won't be able to give me free tea anymore, but I'm amazed that they started doing it in the first place. I'm gonna have to do something really nice for them at the end of the year (time to get thinking about that)...

Paul called yesterday today!

ETA: My Dad's lady friend works at an aesthetics clinic, and she gave me a little package of trial products from a skincare line. I've been using them for three weeks, and I can't stop touching my face -- my skin feels amazing! ((happy skin, happy a.))
soundtrack: Gigantic (single version) -- [The Pixies]
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18 September 2007 @ 05:34 pm

Whenever I walk home from the tea shop wearing my leopard-print jacket with a clove in my hand, I get the most awful looks from people. I'm not a deviant! I'm more interested in 19th Century literature than corrupting your children!

Whenever I walk home from the tea shop wearing my leopard-print jacket without a clove in my hand, nobody so much as glances at me.

Admittedly I've only ever walked home smoking twice. And I'm almost certainly not going to do it again, since my cloves are now living in my desk drawer, and I can't smoke in my room. Meister can be my only enabler, because addiction is bad. And expensive.
spins and needles
17 September 2007 @ 07:06 pm
French is going to murder me and dump my body in the Charles. And then my Sophomore Essay will dance on my grave.
spins and needles
I just read a long, rather depressed journal entry from the Ex (despite other boyfriends, he really is still the Ex), and it got my mind tangenting.

Wuff once said that other people get comfortable in relationships, but I don't. This is true. I somehow end up dating awesome people, and I can't figure out what they see in me at all -- so I'm afraid that they're going to wake up any minute and go "What the hell am I doing here?" This is made worse by the knowledge that, relationships being what they are, something like that is prettymuch sure to happen eventually, it's just a matter of time. I tend to go in for the long haul, so maybe that time will be eight months, a year, farther away from now. That doesn't change the fact that the threat of losing this person, this really wonderful person who's somehow fallen into my life, is always hanging over my head.

I've got trust issues to start with, which does not make for a great cocktail of insecurities: I don't know why this person likes me, s/he has become really important to me, eventually I'm going to get my heart ripped out. Oh my God, it's already hard to trust someone in that situation! Let alone the fact that I'm very used to self-protecting, and only one person in my life has ever demonstrated to me that it can be worthwhile not to do so. Relationships are important to me, I love the feeling of having someone whose company is important on almost every level, and whom I just want to spend time with for the sake of being there, and who thinks about me the same way. But this is hampered by the knowledge that not only will that trust and security be completely destroyed someday, eventually the good parts, the awesome parts, will be blotted out by the wreckage of a breakup. And then what used to be such a close relationship suddenly won't be there, and won't matter at all. And will seem never to have been good, or worthwhile. Someone who meant so much to you will be nothing to you, or just a bad memory, to be faulted and dissected in retrospect.
Why doesn't everybody think about this and find it absolutely terrifying?!

But now there's Paul. And he's really - awesome doesn't begin to cover it, I could rhapsodize, I won't do that here, it would take up too much space. I can talk about Paul for a while. Even with the knowledge that someday what he feels for me is going to turn into dislike, to vindication and fault-finding, dissecting everything worthwhile about being together and seizing upon every bad moment, I just want to be able to not think about that for a while. I want to get comfy, and not be constantly on alert that it's time to withdraw back into my shell because everything's about to blow up. O' course, this means that when it does blow up, there will be chaos and destruction and it will suck epically and I will feel like shit for a very long time. That's scary, people! That's a legitimate fear! And I know what everyone says is true, that really you have to make it really good while it lasts and that makes the suck worth it. But it's still really goddamn scary, to have someone who's become a part of my life and who I worry about and whose calls I always take suddenly ripped out, knowing that what I am to this person has become distaste, or even loathing.

So I'm working through this.
soundtrack: Painkiller (Noisia remix) -- [Pendulum and the Freesylers]